Abyss Tearin' Me

"Last night I had a dream of a girl I wish I knew..whoo oooh oooh-
She said 'I'm not too far out of this world'."
-Rocktopus You caught me pt 2

I'm lying in my mother's house in Indiana, 5 am, can't sleep. As long as I've tried to remember, Indiana was the loneliest abyss in the world at night. The wind may still blow, but when the corn is harvested there is nothing for it to blow through. And that is how I always felt here. Like a ghost, except with out a voice. Something that couldn't be seen nor heard but only forgotten; cept in contrast of the knowledge that the wind does in fact exist, and can be heard through the oak trees that still hold there November leaves in Wisconsin.
Since my childhood, I'll always remember going out to my grandparent's porch at night and looking at the sky, thinking of my dream girl and what she was doing at this very moment. Maybe she's looking at the same sky, the same moon. But when you are a lonely ghost with out a voice in the abyss, the imagination is the only way to connect with the dream girl. And always was I the one who was haunted.
When I lived here permanently in college, the loneliness became mundane. It seeped into my blood and gave me the energy to walk alone through downtown thinking of a dream girl. As the days went by, I decided to finally move back to Wisconsin, but not with out throwing a penny for a wish in this dark bottomless abyss. I asked out a girl. Not just any girl, a dream girl. I was working at a fitness place, so was she, and for 6 months I had the largest crush on her. She was short, well shorter, blonde, and had that slight Indiana twang that just drives a guy like me crazy. During those 6 months at work, I would see her and wave, blush, hide, wait to see her again, repeat. She was incredible. She could brighten my day just by knowing she was in the same building as me, she could make me smile for hours at night thinking about how she smiled at me when she passed me. There was a problem though...I couldn't talk to her. I was too shy. I could talk with anybody else, laugh, be myself, even flirt with other girls. Oh but when she was around it was like being in the presence of dream girl Divine- where words are meaningless compared to her beauty that made language irrelevant- where my cordial and casual greetings seem like a blasphemous desecration to the alter of Athena. How could I possibly express myself to a girl I adored?
A few days before I moved away, it was my last day at the fitness club and I grew bold. I confidently walked up to her desk then fell apart. I fumbled through my words, kicked my toes against the ground, swayed my crossed arm body back and forth, looked at the ground, but then I looked up. I saw her looking at me with beautiful green eyes and the question just fell out of my mouth like my lips could hold the weight of the sentence no more..."Would you like to go out sometime?"
And to my surprise, she said yes. It was an unbelievable feeling, I remember honking my horn all the way home, looking at her handwritten phone number over and over. Of course I moved away a few days later and that is the end. The black hue of the abyss of Indiana turned slightly grey, blinding me for a moment.
I forgot about that until tonight, I can't even remember her name? Tara? Cara? In any case, she doesn't haunt me.
So tonight once again, like every night in Indiana, I walk outside and look up to the sky and think about dream girls past, dream girls I never knew, dream girls I wish I knew. Though I recognize this abyss, I can't put my finger on why it affects me, and why it has swallowed me whole tonight above all. I feel so jaded. I feel like a fool who has gave up on love and betrayed a younger/bolder/dreaming me. Thinking back about falling in love with dream girls - writing letters and 10th grade poetry in the summer away from my make out sweety- whispering on the phone in the hallway telling my dream girl how much I missed her, and promising my Grandparents who picked up the other line that I would mow the lawn to pay for the long distance bill - where once there was a wind, and though it was a lonely wind that no one could see, it could be heard blowing through the corn. But now all the corn is cut down.

The abyss/Indiana teaches me, it shows me the depths of my loneliness. If you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you. and as I learned to say here, that's something I reckon I'll fix.

"her hair, spun threads, in the deep so blue-
and I couldn't breath, I'm a tellin' you
when she said "Hello" like a sweet sirens song.
...It won't be long" -same song

That wonderful photo up top that says a thousand words is by master of the lens and good friend Erin Dorbin.